Sunday, November 09, 2008

Hard things, I guess that we are coming out together

In life there are somethings harder than others. It is not until they are faced that it is seen how hard and how easy events, and situations in life are. Then the same thing can be easy or hard depending on how they are dealt with.

This past week has been one of those dreaded and then not so dreaded times. My blog I have kept from my family because I post things on here that I thought would get some of them very upset, that I would be rejected. I do know what that feels like and it is not a good feeling. The other day my sister found my blog, it was a link to a link type of deal. I don't even know who is reading my posts that she is reading from. I know confusing, but we all know how that goes. Anyway, I posted some topic on here that we had talked about and she asked me if Katzenjammer was mine. After mumbling a bit I admitted that it was. She then lost the link, and I did not send her one. A few days later she found it again. We have talked but I am sure that she has things she wants to ask me about that I have not yet brought up.

How do I tell her the night that I knew from the time I was a late teen that I found women more attractive, or that I married because I thought it was what I was to do ( that was a HUGE mistake)? Or the nights when I would get off the phone with my best friend and tell myself that I was not in love with her, that I had myself convinced of that? Or that weeks later when I saw her again I started having panic attacks when I realized that I did love her. That I for days was a nervous wreck, or the joy I felt when she said that she loves me too. We have not talked about any of this. There is a lot to talk about, the present and the future.

I would like to think that my dad would have been OK with me being a lesbian. My mom would have called me a slut and a whore among other things, but she did that when some guy would smile in my general direction when we were at the store.

So today I took another step in the process of coming out. I called my cousin. I wanted to meet someplace for lunch and talk face to face but with his new job that is not possible. After a bit of chatting, I told him that this summer I had gotten engaged and that my Honey is a woman. He was OK with that, I thought he might be and that is why I told him before some of the others.

As I write this I am tearing up. It is OK Honey. It is a relief to have it out there and yet there are still more people to tell. The one that I fear telling the most is my brother, my aunts I have some worry about and as for my son I will have to tell him when I can sit down and tell him face to face, but I want there to be people that he trusts that he can talk if and when he needs to.

1 comment:

karen said...

Sometimes people can surprise you. I was scared to death to tell my mom. I started crying so hard that I couldn't talk. I remember that she just hugged me really tight for a long time and then she told me what she thought I was going to say. She was right. And she was wonderful. I felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders. She passed away a few years later and I wouldn't take anything in the world for having had that conversation with her. After that she became my greatest advocate. My sister has been a different story, but you can't win them all! :o) I will hope against hope that your family surprises you with hugs and acceptance.

No matter what, you are good person and don't you let anybody tell you otherwise! Big **HUGS** from me!