computers again

This time, I have an hour or so at the library. It is driving me crazy, now I have no Internet access at home. Both computers have died and it will take a while as I have other things to pay for.

The trip to LV was a blast. I did not gamble or see any shows but I did spend one whole day in bed. That is all you need to know about that.

Oh going to days is working out well. I am still worn out on my days off and would just like to sleep in all day. I cannot allow that to happen IF I did I would be up all night again. So I have to make my self get up and go do things.

I am going to start actively looking for a couch now. I am tired of not having any furniture.

Weeks

HI
The past few weeks I have been trying to get off night shift and on to days. It makes for an intersting change. I am sleeping but am still worn out and I know that it will take quite a while to get back into the "normal" lifestyle.

Sunday I am going to LV with my girlfriend I can't wait. We have not seen each other in about 6 months. No, I will not go into detale on what happens on that trip. Whatever happens will, and I am looking forward to that.

K had a Christmas concert on the 10th it was a good one. Not to long and just enought people there to enjoy it.

Getting to the library and getting a computer with working days is a bit harder, so posting might come more speratic. No worries tho when I can get one I will.

Thanksgiving and gifts

For Thanksgiving we went to Portland. It was the usually ball of fun, dinner, laughter, not enough sleep. The day after we went to an outlet mall south of Portland. I did not buy anything, the boy got a hoody and a wallet. I do think that he could have done better on the wallet but it was his choice. In the evening my cuz and I went to Powells. The one downtown, I love that place. When my girlfriend comes up here, I plan on taking her there. All the books, the coffee. I did get off lucky this time I only spent about $45. Not bad when I can spend what Bruce Willis makes on a bad day there and still not have enough money.

My brother hooked me up to his family plan account and got me a new cell phone. I have to drive all over the state and as we are to get snow tonight he did not want me driving the back roads without a phone. He also got one for the Boy for his birthday, and each of us got a bluetooth. It feels strange to have that hooked to my ears but oh well.

Other then not having money right now, and not having any in the for see able future life is not bad. I have a good kid, a woman who loves me what more can I want.

Shadowrun

Last night was a Shadowrun night. I do like to play RPG's they are a lot of fun. The only thing that I don't like about this group is that they seem to be fascinated by lesbians. All of them, even the girl who is a friend of mine. The three guys will talk about it a lot, who is one, who they think is one. It is almost as if they are trying to be cool. The people that I play with are all geeks in one form or another. There are two nurses, the woman H, her husband is going to collage for computers, and then there is the retired military MP. He can be a scary guy. I do think that he wishes he was still in the military.

I don't know how to handle it when they go on and on about jokes. I will admit some of what they say is funny, the other hurts. I know that they are not doing it to be mean, that they are just talking and trying to be cooler than they are. We only meet every other week so that does make it a bit better.

My girlfriend does not play. I think she would like it, but she lives to far away. I hate that, I know that she does to. I also know that for right now there is nothing we can do about it.

Quiet

All has been quiet here. I have been working a lot so that means sleeping as well. I never did get the cleaning done that I wanted to but I did get some done.

Last night I made fudge before going to work and it is going fast. The boys seem to like it, they find it strange that it is made with Velveta. Sounds odd but it does taste good.

A good friend of mine is not feeling well. That always makes me feel angry, sad, and frustrated. I know that what she has will never go away and that this is progressive, and that her "spells" are part of the disease. I do wish that she would communicate to her doctor, BF, and family more honestly. They might be able to help get the "spells" under a bit more control.

Working

I have been working like crazy up in Morton this week. The nice thing about it is that there are some very very slow times so that I have been able to work on my counted cross stitching. I know it is not very exciting but it keeps my mind off of other things like how much I miss my girlfriend.

We are going to LV, and I am both excited and nervous about this trip. I think that is a lot of the the fun, she is teasing me about flying out there. She knows that I do no t like to fly so she is asking me if I want to sit next to her or a stranger. Well, her of course. I mean if I get sick, I want to do it on her shoes not someone who I don't know. I know TMI.

Saturday I have declared it CLEAN THE HOUSE day. It is not that bad but I do have to make a day of it or I will never get the floors mopped.

Computers

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Feelings

This past weekend I have been working on feelings. My girlfriend told me that I have a tendency to internalize and not allow my feelings to be shared and she is right I do. So this weekend I was emailing her about my feelings. It is a good thing that she understands how hard it is for me to talk about what I feel and can accept emails from me. I know that it is not the best way to express myself but I think it is a step in the right direction.

I am glad that in she understands why I internalize and will let me work my way through them before I talk about them. I know that I will get to a point where it will be easier to talk about what I am feeling. It will just take work and she is willing to let me work on this.

Nothing to do

This week I have had nothing to do. Well, not really I could have baked or cleaned the house but was not in the mood for it. I did get a bunch of reading done some intersinting some not so. I am still waiting for Lipstick and Dipsticks book to get to my book store but it might not get there. That means getting it on line. I would rather buy it at a store than online but if I have to get it that way I will.

I have also gotten some cross stitching done. Not enough to start a new project but I am almost done with one I should have finished up months ago. Just me being lazy.

The reason for all of this inactivity is no work. Both my jobs have not needed me at all. Now with the weekend here I hope that changes. I need money.

As for my love. O how much I love my love. I know sappy but true.

The Queen, and the fires

On Saturday, I woke up and thought that everything was normal. I was wrong, my dog had a stroke, I talked to the vet and took her in to see him. She did not come home. Queenie, was about 13 years old. That is a long time for a little cocker spaniel. I will miss her.

I know that I should get another dog soon. I don't want one in an apartment, without a yard it is just to mean to a puppy they need a place to run and play.

As for the California fires, I have family down there that no one has heard from as of yet. I know lines can be down as well as cell towers. So I am not yet to worried. Be safe all down there, and a big hug to the firefighters. They need it.

First Storm

Unfortunately I cannot up load the pictures to here from the computer the library has a system that blocks that. We had a nice little storm Thursday, it took out trees, power lines, and other things. Most of the damage was from falling trees. There was one right near my bedroom that fell onto a carport, if it had fallen at the other angle it would have gone into my bedroom. Yes, I was home when it happened, no I did not hear it. I was sound asleep in bed. I must have been knocked out. The tree was a blue spruce very pretty, now someone has fire wood. Oh well.

I have been working out of town, and that has been ok as my kid has not needed me to get him to school. The thing that is bad about it was that the morning of the storm there were so many accidents on the freeway that it was a parking lot. Well, at least I-5 was I don't know about the others I was not on them. It was not the storm that caused all the accidents, the storm hit after 11am. The accident that caused me the most problem was in Tacoma over the Payallup River. It was a long haul truck. That one I got to go 2 miles in an hour and a half. AND it was the one place there were no exits from the freeway. So by the time I got to an exit I was past the blocked part of the freeway. Oh and the accident was all cleared up by the time I got there. What fun.

Still

Still no computer. It is driving me crazy the good news is I am getting a lot more done at home and more hours in at work. wwwwohhoo that was sarcastic btw.

I went last week to a meeting of pagans and there is talk of setting up classes to help us learn what we don't know and what we want to know. This sounds good to me, there are some things that I cam clueless about. Other I am working on and some that I know already. It was an interesting meeting. I did not talk a lot but that was ok sometimes listening is better. I did find out that I need to get a hematite stone to keep in my pocket so that I don't have as much problems with the energy fields that I now have. If it will save me when I get a new laptop then woohoo I am all for it. I do think that is what happened to my laptop I think I killed the internal processor all by my self. I know that I did not have any virus or other nasty on there.

Last night at work I did a suicide watch, now I was at one point in time many many years ago depressed enough to think about attempting to kill myself. I did get some happy pills and that took care of that. I managed to get off of them when I realized what my triggers were and how to not let things get that bad. This young person might now have all kinds of serious health problems. Thank the Goddess I got the pill, and that I no longer need them.

Cars, Pagans

Sunday, my car did something mean to me. It decided that while I was driving her, she was going to loose a break shoe. Of course it did not fall off on the road, it wedged its self under the other break shoe. That means eekkkk STOP!!!! when I did not want to stop. I was going. The good news was that I was in a parking lot going about 5 mph and not on the freeway where I was heading. I had to have the car towed and that took some cash, then new breaks, then more cash is gone. But I now have my car back.

Pagans, are meeting tonight at the library for a lets so who is out there gathering. I think I am going to go and see what I can learn. It might be intersting.

No, still no computer, I am at the library I did find the one that I want and right now it is under $500.oo the thing is I don't have that what with the car and other normal expences. Oh well. Ta for now

OH Crap

Guess what the inevatable has happened. My laptop has died, it is gone to that hell that only computers can go to. I now have limited access to the internet by others computers or the library. They both suck. I did go today and find a sweet laptop that I would love to have but the thing is as much as my rent. I had better get off my rear and start working more hours to get things paid for. Sometimes life sucks. Now on the personal side of things they are going ok. It is great having someone love me for me, and not because they think I am someone else.

There is a new nurse at work who I can't stand. She came in all ready to change things and not bothering to find out what is working and what is not working. That is the pits it makes wanting to go into work most difficult. I have cut my hours to only noc's so that I don't have to deal with her. Now the company also highered her partner to work the same schedule that she does. This I think is a mistake. How can one be objective at work when they are angry or have other feelings for the person working with them. It does have a tendancy to get a bit stressed in there.

I have just about 40 more min here and want to get some emails checked. Peace out

Gay Marriage

Hi all.
There is a debate going on where I work about gay marriage and if it will be made legal here in the state that I live in. I think that it soon will be I don't see where the state is going to have an option in the matter.

Here is why I think that and what has happened to lead me to believe that. The state government has given domestic partners insurance rights. For example: Mary lives with Sally and they have been living together for years, they have a joint bank account set up to cover house hold costs. Mary works for the state under this policy Sally can get on her health insurance at work.

What is now happening is that private companies are following the states lead. This is including the company that I work for. This is a big surprise as I work for a company that is owned by the Catholic church. Now here is why I think that the marriage will pass soon, and it is the only way I can see this working.

Example; Ann is looking for a roommate, her job does not pay well however it has great insurance. Tracy apples for the roommate spot, she has a well paying job but the insurance is not the best. After being roommates for a year, Ann and Tracy talk about insurance and how it has changed. With the domestic partnership Ann can put Tracy on her coverage for less money than what Tracy is paying now. They agree that Tracy will pay Ann the cash to cover her loss in pay and put Tracy on her policy. A few years pass and Tracy is getting married, Ann fills out the paperwork takes her off the policy. No fuss.

Now, if the marriage law were to pass it would make this a lot harder to get into and out of as there would have to be legal proff of marriage to get on the insurance company policy's. I do see insurance becoming a strong advocate for gay marriage as word of this gets out. We, all know that money talks and the company's do not want to loose this money.

Lies, sex, love and religion

Ok lies. Lies we all know are every where, I have been lieing to myself in a big way, I recently had to go through personal hell and back to realize that. What, was my hell? I got piss drunk on Bourbon and tequila made a fool of myself, admitted at least to me my lie. Then spent the rest of the week in misery. I am better about what is happening now, I still want to shout to the world but know that I yet cannot.

Sex, I am not getting any. Why? I do not have the makeup to go out there and just find someone for a night of fun. I think that I am to much of a romantic for that. It is not the idea of the wine and dine it is the whole commitment thing. For me part of the turn on is commitment. Is that nuts or what?

Love, I am so in love. The thing that sucks about this is that right now it is a long distance relationship. I did not think that it would work out. The answer to the question at first was no. Then a few months later it was yes. I don't know what changed but I am so glad that it did.

Religion, what the hell. I believe in God, and Goddess. I cannot see God as an all "YOU ARE GOING TO HELL FOR THAT" deity. Do I feel dammed for being me? No not at all, I just feel bad for the people who don't get that.

Long time no Blog

It has been over a month and I have been trying to be a better blogger. However on April 30th my family had to deal with something that we did not see coming. My mom passed away. A doctor who was consulting on her case is looking into her death, he thinks that her primary was negligent. That could take a while with going thought the files so we have to wait.

She died of an infection that she should have been able to fight off with antibiotics. I think that this is all can write about now.

Money Money Money

The state has a surplus of money this year to spend so as they haggle and talk over what is going to be done with this money there are many groups and organizations fighting over it, how to spend it what to spend it on. Much of the state is in need of road and new drainage work. The main city here wants much of the money to be spent on a new basketball stadium for the Sonics. I have never been to the old stadium I doubt that I will go to the new one.

This spending money on a private organization that a majority of the people will never use is in my opinion not a very good idea. The state is also being petitioned by a group that is asking that part of the money be spent on elderly care. This is what I care about this is where I work. I go to long term care places to work and many of them are not up to the standard that most people would put their pet in. I know of places that are loosing money so much to the point that the staff has not had a raise in many year. That the daily food allotment for each person there is $2.49 a day. Can you feed your self 3 meals a day plus a snack if you are diabetic on under $2.50 a day. I know that I can't. Much of the equipment is so old that it costs more in repairs than to buy a new one. However, buying a new bed or lifting machine will take money way from the other needs. It is like in our world of the US. the elderly are forgotten. Lost, not cared for.

Now I will admit that not all places are like this. There are places that have the money, and the staff that cares for the patient. Those are usually nonprofit or are private pay where a semi-private room costs into the thousands a month. Not, many can afford that. So what should we spend the millions on that are hanging about. A building for a basketball team, that already has one that they don't want because it is old. Or, on the elderly.

Arrrgggghhhhh

That title does not make me feel the least bit better. Do you want to know why? Well, probably not but I am going to get it off my chest anyway. At work we had one person doing the staff rotation. Now we have 2 and they are not talking to each other. So I get to work on Friday to and I am to be on two halls at the same time. Now, one person finds this amusing and the other is a pissed off about it as I am. Then last week they have me marked down as a no call no show. I was at my other job in Longview, I knew that I was working there, they knew or I told them that I was not going to be in town that day. So how am I to be in the two different towns at the same time. Working in heath care sucks.

The Sad

I am saddened by what happened at Virginia Tech. Death, unexpected death is never something that is easy to handle. Even for those who see death on a daily basis it is not easy. My heart and energy goes out to those who are effected by this. I am not one to ask who is to blame, I do not blame the government, the gun manufacturer, the school, or the man's parents. I am one who believes is that soon to be extinct now on the endangered species list. That is Personal Responsibility. There are some exceptions to this thing called Personal Responsibility. I know that the ALL GREAT AND POWERFUL news is saying that the man had some mental health issues, that may be true. It maybe that he gave into the pressure, the anger or whatever it was that was tormenting him. I for one who has gone through a server depression fell sorry for him. I know that he felt alone, misunderstood, angered and very unwell. This is just a tragic event that someone, somewhere will take and run with it to further their own gains. They will just not let the families, friends, loved ones and yes the pets mourn. They want to see the suffering to get others behind them on whatever it is that they think they can best squeeze out of this. That to is sad.

Not Cancer

For those of you who find yourself reading this lolly blog. My mom does not have cancer. It took nine days in the hospital, a collapsed lung, and a biopsy to find out that she has Valley Fever. So 8 months to a year on some pills and a little help with her malabsorption she will be healthy again. For those of you who don't know what Valley Fever is go and look it up. We are teasing her about the 'shrooms in her lungs. The doc did say that they are not special 'shrooms.

Work and more work

Work that is what I do to get paid. I work anywhere form 4 to 16 hours a day. With mom in a funk about having cancer and not wanting support from anyone other than her kids it gets to be a bit stifling. I leave work to come to work where I don't get paid.

Mom wants me to wait on her hand and foot. Like I don't get enough of that at the nursing home and the hospitals. I feel like I don't have a home anymore. Just 2 nursing homes that I go between.

Death it is

Well, the results are in. Mom does have cancer it is in 3 places and has metastasized ( I know I spelled it wrong). So now she is laying on the couch getting us to wait on her hand and foot. Like I don't do this enough at work. I am going to start working 6 days a week or even pull doubles so I don't have to deal with this crap. That sounds bad but I did not get into heath care to take care of my family I got into it to take care of others. This is pissing me off royally.

The Boy wants to have a friend over on Monday as it is the last day of finals. Mom is bitching about that. Well, this is not her fvcking house. I pay rent, power and buy the food. My bills have all doubled sense she moved in. Not only that but I have gotten behind on paying things that were not behind before June. I know I am bitching about things. But it needs to be done, it helps me keep my sanity.

Life and Near Death

Mom went to the doc on Tuesday of last week for a check up. During the check up they took X-rays, on the X-ray the doc found a spot on her lungs. So this Tuesday she went and had a CAT scan for a better look. Mom thinks that she has cancer and is going to die. She goes to see what the results are today.

Sense last week mom has been moping about, lying around on the couch and not doing much else. It is like she has decided to die even with out hearing the results. There might not be anything wrong with her, it might have been just a mess up in the development process. Then again it might not be. Mom has been a 4 pack a day smoker for over 30 years. We won't find anything out for a few more hours. So I am going to watch a movie and do some cross stitch.

Borrowed from it Comes in Pints

I have a BIG FUCK OFF and I need to get it out. SO FUCK OFF HEATH CARE SYSTEM... I work in heath care nursing actualy and I cannot get heath insurnce, weekends off or holidays. So fuck off to all the people who hear what I do and think I have it made. Fuck Off to patients who dont listen then reinjure themseves and blame us. FUCK OFF to call lights, to idots who dont understand that pills do not cure all. FUCK OFF to doctors who get medical for free, when the nurses who do most of the work cant get shit. Fuck off the the patients who think they are the only sick people in the hospital- nursinghome. Fuck off to people who dont understand why sometimes I have to work nights. I would love to close the hospitals down at 5pm and let all the drunks who drive and hit trees lay there until they reopen at 9am. DONT THINK THAT WILL WORK.. FUCK OFF to the state government who makes it so that we have no recurse when a patent comes at us with weapons yet when we put up our hands to protect ourselves we get charged with assult. . . There is alot more I want to say but I have to get in bed to get to work.

Here is the link to It comes in Pints http://www.secondbreakfast.net/