Normal, everyone, beverbody

I was reading Tina's Blog her post of today gave me the idea for today's post. In her blog she talks about a class that she is taking go read it if you have not yet done so.

I have never met anyone "normal" no matter what people think or say. There is in my opinion no such thing as normal. Based on our prospectives we all see, hear, and react to things in a different manner. There can be statistics that show what is average. Such as number of cars owned the average can be 2. However, that is not "Normal". I know people who do not own cars and others who have 20.

This leads to "everyone/everybody". We have all hear at some point in our lives that phrase; "Well, everyone/body does (fill in the blank)." No, they don't. I have not met everyone/body and I am pretty sure that even with the Internet that is not possible to do. So how the hell could whoever said that know that. Do they mean that everyone they know does/wears that? Do they mean that people on TV as everyone/body is their point of reference?

I am not normal, everyone/body and I am happy that way. I might have some average things in my life but I would hate to be that person who is not unique, or has something about them that is special. I love being different, being me, being an individual, I don't want to fit into the cookie cutter of what someone, or TV has decided that I have to fit into. I LOVE ME!

Yes, there are somethings that I want to change, I think that a lot of people want to make some changes in their lives. But I sill love me.

Nightmares

I know that it is my fault that I had nightmares last night. Oh, they were not to scary just strange and disturbing. I had heads talking to me, slept in an unlocked shed surrounded by scary sounds types of dreams. I know what caused it.

I don't buy cable, and where I live I cannot pick up an air signal for TV, so if I want to see something, I can watch it on DVD or on the computer. Well, Honey told me that she thought I would enjoy watching Buffy. So I checked and the library has them on DVD, great. I got on the list and I have three weeks to watch an entire season. This is usually not a problem, however with vacation last week I now only have a few days to watch the shows. I cannot renew them as there are others waiting for the DVDs. So for the past few days that I have not worked I have been Buffy marathoning season 3.

That is where the dreams of the talking heads, zombies, giant bugs, and general creepiness has been coming from. So tomorrow I think I will start on the L-Word.

Happy 4th of July, may you not get to drunk when playing with explosives.

Back

I am back from our vacation in Idaho. There were some disappointments and lots of fun. The major disappointment was that B from NJ did not make it out there, her fight was delayed and by the time she got in to Atlanta she was stressed and had missed her connecting flight. All of this caused her health to spiral and she got sick. So she turned around and went back to NJ. I know that her health is more important than the trip but she was missed.

The town to had changed that is to be expected but we did not expect it to change in such a way that the bar we liked to hang out in now looks like a fish diner. The decore just looks so out of place for Hailey. We did not go in we just peeked in the windows it did not look like a place that knew how to mix drinks anymore.

Smokey Mountain Pizza is no longer in Hailey the restaurant is now a sushi place. I am not a fan of sushi I don't like the texture of the fish cooked that way. There is one of the pizza places in Ketchum. I don't know if it moved there or if there was always on there.

In Ketchum there is a needlepoint and knitting shop. I have wanted to go in there for ever so Honey and I went in. I was thrilled with all of the yarn but it was definitely a needlepoint shop. I do counted cross stitching and that is very different. I was so hoping to pick up some cloth or look at new patterns.

I did get spoiled there. Honey and I had lazy mornings together, and late nights (wink wink). We explored the land and found some very beautiful and unexpected places. I will post pictures when I get on my computer. We went for a walk along the Big Wood River and at the top of a hill there was a field full of blooming lupine. It was quiet, warm and peaceful. A place that neither one of us expected to be there.

It was there in that field that I asked her to marry me and she said yes. We are going to wait and take our time before setting a date. I love her so much that I want this to work out and I am willing to wait as long as it takes. She is worth it.

This Time Tomorrow

I will be waiting to get on a plane and then I will have a week with Honey. A whole week, 5 days. I am counting the hours now. She and I will be alone for part of the trip then our friend from NJ will be joining us.

Last night we talked a bit about not making NJ feel like a third wheel as this is the first time the three of us will be doing anything where Honey and I are a couple. I know that maintaining that balance is going to be hard but there are plenty of opertunities to tease each other as well.

We have a few plans but nothing that is set in stone. We are going to see the Birds of Pray, I did ask and no the birds don't have prayer beads. I know sounds like something Fozzy Bear would say, but some times things are hard to resist.

My mind right now is more along the lines of Animal... Oh Honey Look out

Oly Pride

Today I went to my first ever Pride day. I did enjoy myself, I was kind of lonely it was a day that made me greatly miss Honey. I watched as couples danced, held hands, snuggled, and were just free to be their selves. It was a day where I badly missed her, some days are much worse than others, but I think that anyone who has ever been in a long distance relationship will understand that.

I got there before the parade started and I am glad I did. The one or two of the bikes had the pipes blown and I could feel the vibration in the sidewalk. My town has such a small town feel that the parade would stop so that people who could get out and talk to friends that they recognized. Or the crowd would go up and talk to some one in the parade, little kids would go up to the cars or the dancers to get candy.

I got one complement on my shirt. I have a breast cancer shirt that says "Caught you looking at my tatas."

This bike is the one that I can see Honey riding, dressed in jeans, scruffy cowboy boots, and a black leather jacket. I think that she would enjoy the power and the feel of this one. As for me, I would ride on it but not drive it. These big ones scare me. I could have a Vespa and scoot about on it just fine. Honey would look funny on a Vespa, but on a Harley she would shine.

I did have one very hard time during the parade. It was when PFLAG went by. I know that my family is so anti-gay that when they find out about Honey I can kiss them all good by. IF they let me get that close. I wish that they could be more accepting but that is not going to happen.

Product

Tuesday night I went and got my hair cut and permed. Going to the salon is always some what interesting to me. I don't go to one of the $100 a hair cut places nether do I go to a $10 one. I go to one that would be considered average. Every time I go there whoever does my hair is pushing the product of the month or in this case the year.

Both this time and last time they used something in a silver bottle that smelled like grape gum. I use to love grape gum when I was nine. Now the smell is to sweet, and as I have a sever bee sting allergy, and work in the hospital I don't like to wear things with a strong sweet scent. So, when I ask them if it comes unscented I get this blank stare. When I explain why I don't wear scents they ask as if they understand what I am talking about. However, when I ask them after the try to get me to buy said product if it comes unscented they look at me as if I have lost my head.

Then they call it Product, as if that is the name of the product. Why do they do that? Is it to to sound more fancy? It sound more upscale? Or is it to drive people crazy?

Tirade

I wrote out by hand a long tirade about my job and what I wish that people would understand about it. I however left it in the car and am right now not dressed enough to go out and get it. I will have to post it at a later date. Of course knowing me there will be some revisions to it. I can never leave things like that alone.

When I was in college my writing teachers all preferred my rough drafts to the finished work. People say that an individual is their own worst critic. For me I belief that is true in my writing and in my stitching. I never like what I write and I expect my stitching to be perfect.

One of these days I am going to have to put up a story that I have written so that anyone who wants to can see what I mean about not liking the way that I write. If it is something that I have to think about for a long time or work on repeatedly, then I know that I will not be happy with the end results.

This weekend was one where the Boy had some friends over. He loved it, I loved it. I have spent over $70 on pizza for them. Yes, most of them are on the HS football team. They did not eat all the pizza, but it does freeze nicely so I have some extras to pull out on an as needed basis.

Sunday I made the mistake of taking the Boy to Orca Books with me. He and the one kid who spent the night did not get to bed until 3am. So he was not in the mood to hang out at a book store. There were a lot of things there that I wanted to get but I limited myself to two books one for him and one for me and then Honey will get it mailed to her.

This picture I took with my new camera. It does prove that even tho we are getting a lot of rain and cold weather we are still in spring.

Long Distance

There are more times than others when long distance relationships are harder for me. Yesterday was one. I got at txt from Honey, and she desperately needed a hug. She later told me that she is working on something that is frustrating. She did manage to get one line and then almost a second one done today. I could hear it in her voice that this job was going to bother her until she gets it finished.

There are also the times when I see couples doing every day things together. Walks, grocery shopping the list could go on and on. I would love to be able to do that with her, and I know that one day we will. I just have to wait.

The good news is that it is now about 13 days before I get to see her again. Another waiting. Arrgggg!!

Just checked the time and I am going to be late for work have to run.

Projects

Today is an unexpected day off. That sometimes happens the hospital is over staffed, or there are lots of empty beds. I think today it was over staffing. This will give me time to work on my projects that I have going on. I am working on a cross stitch of a painting called "Day Surrendering into Night". Honey picked it out, and while there are times it is sending me into fits I know that she will like it when it is done. If you want to see what it looks like here is the link http://www.kustomkrafts.net/New%20Website/counted%20pages/99143page.htm .

I have a few other things that I am working one but I am not anywhere near ready to start thinking about.

Tonight my group of witches/pagans gathers to talk about what we have learned and still have to learn. I love going when I can. I missed the last one as it was a school function night. I want to bring up ley lines and how to find them. I know that Seattle is the only city that has them all mapped out. But when I am on vacation with Honey I want to see if I can find one there.

Just 16 more days until I get to hold her again. Oh it seems like forever since I last saw her. I know that is not the case but that is what it feels like.

The A-Z

Yes, I stole the questions from other sites but the answers are all mine.

A is for your age: Just turned 38

B is for your burger of choice: I have not found one to rave over, they are all about the same.

C is for the car that you drive:Plymouth Neon

D is for dog's name: I currently don't have a dog but they have been named, Woy-Woy, Eatm Eatm on the Floor, Moose, Queenie, Pudge, Snoozie, Buster, Duchess, Sparkie,Bandit, Bambi

E is for an essential item you use each day:Bio-silk as a leave in conditioner.

F is for your favorite television show: I don't watch TV so I don't know what is on. I do rent videos of TV shows and can't wait to watch the next part of L-Word

G is for favorite game:Any Zelda game, and Guitar Hero

H is for hometown:Olympia, WA

I if for instruments played:Guitar and Harmonica

J is for favorite juice:I like tangy juices pomegranate, cranberry, V-8 with Tabasco sauce to make it spicy

K is for what you'd like to kick: Gas Prices I would love to knock them down

L is for the last restaurant you dined at: Breakfast at the New Moon yummy. Then I know it is not a restaurant but we had dinner last night at Big Tom's it is a drive up take out. I loooove their milkshakes

M is for your favorite Muppet: Animal, Animal he is so cool.

N is for the number of piercings you have:Two one in each ear

O is for overnight hospital stays: Lots, I had pneumonia as a kid and would stay a few nights each time

P is for people you were with today:Everyone is still asleep so just me.

Q is for what you do in quiet times: Read, do crafts

R is for regrets:I regret secrets, I have some that I still have to keep just for a little while longer.

T is for the time you woke up today: The first time 5am then I went back to bed and slept until 8:454.

U is for what you consider unique:Without spell check my spelling.I also have to admit that my sense of humour is not normal.

V is for favorite vegetable:Green beans, no peas, no brussel sprouts, no green peppers, no jalapenos, no carrots, no mushrooms. I like a lot

W is for your worst habit:Voyeur, thank the blogs for blog. I also bite my finger nails

X is for x-rays you have had:Lots, chest for pneumonia, back for injuries, knee for injuries

Y us for yummy food you ate today:After I get off the computer I will make coffee, but I have not eaten anything yet.

Z is for zodiac sign:Gemini I am a twin, and I think that most people will say that fits me.

Frustration

Yesterday I was on my way to work, and I got stuck in a traffic jam that I thought I was never going to get out of. Let me explain. On I-5 here in Washington we have these blue signs with an AM radio station number on them, when the lights are flashing you tune in and find out what is going on.

Yesterday on the way to Tacoma just outside of Nisqually there is one of those signs so I tuned in and found out that at the bridge the two right lanes were closed due to a one car roll over. The truck (as it turns out) was hauling a camper trailer so it was blocking all the lanes. I did what any good person who does not want to get fired does, I called my work.

"This is me, tell the hospital that there is a bad accident and I will be late. No, I don't know how late. Thanks"

A few minutes later (by now I had been sitting there not moving for about 20 minutes) I get a call back from my company. "Hi, the hospital does not need you to come in today. They cancelled your shift last night but no one called to tell you. You can turn around and go home now."

Well, thanks. I have wasted gas, time, and I had about 2 more miles of sitting in this mess before I came to the next exit. So with not much I can do I turned on the radio to see if there was some good music on. The radio station was giving a traffic report. It turns out that in the camper the driver was hauling parrots, and they go loose. So everyone was out trying to catch the birds. AAARRRGGGG!!!!

What had me frustrated the most was the fact that my company knew Wednesday night that I did not have to be at the hospital in the morning and did not bother to tell me. I know that most of the staffers quit, and that we are working and breaking in new ones but it has been two weeks start putting it together.

Raining

I woke up this morning and it is raining here again. I know it should be no surprise look where I live. I personally like the rain, I love laying in bed and listening to it fall on the carport. The sound is relaxing and hypnotic. I know that when it rains it is usually a good day at work, the rain and the dark clouds seem to mellow the patients out.

I know I have been blogging about work a lot. I think I am starting to get a bit of burn out. It is not the patients, or the docs, or even the administration. I think it is me. I need a change. Not in the weather or where I live or even my job. Just some sort of change.

I am going on vacation for a week to Idaho but that is not until the end of June. I am so looking forward to that. My Honey said that I can get my birthday present then, and she has given me a good one. I miss her so much.

Yesterday at work as I was leaving the hospital I was following two women out, I could not see their faces but they made me feel so happy and sad at the same time. One of them reached over and took the others hand. They walked out of the hospital that way. I did notice people staring at them, and I sorely wished that Honey and I lived close enough that we could do that.

News Media

I so looooove the news media, and I say that with all the eye rolling sarcasm that I can manage. A few months ago the news media was all over MRSA the big bad NEW scary staff infection. Schools closed when kids were diagnosed with having it. Everyone had to be on alert it was going to sneak up and bite you. Well, yes it is bad and nasty, yes it can make you very sick and even kill you. BUT it has been recognized as a disease sense 1968, everyone who has ever set foot in a hospital, a mall, or any other place where there are lager groups of people have come in contact with MRSA.

This time around it is all about C-Diff. C-Diff is one nasty scary bug it is hard to get rid of easy to get. For C-Diff all the had sanitizer in the world will not help. Only soap and water gets it off the skin.

This year we were to have had a horrible flu season, at least according to the news. I work full time in the hospital and I only saw 3 cases of diagnosed flu. Three out of more than a thousand patients that I have had sense December.

I think the news grabs a disease and runs with it getting their information from other news sources. If a disease comes out on the news and it makes you afraid. That is what they want, do what they don't want get informed. Go to medical web sites most of them are out there for everyone to read.

Birthday Wishes

Yesterday even tho I posted and went about my day I was in a rather "whatever" mood. I was so bad that I had people commenting on it. It lasted until I talked to Honey last night, I think we had fun but I am moving to far forward.

I got home and we had chicken for dinner and I was still in that funk. I made lemon bars, yummy. My brother asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I did the honorable thing and lied, I told him I don't know, when I knew what I wanted. W hat if you could have your hearts desire would you want? World peace does not count. This is for a selfish wish, the new car, Pyrex measuring cups, or whatever you want but that you cannot say.

Then took a long hot bath. When I was in the tub my phone started to chirp, I had missed a call or a txt. Not in a hurry to get out of the water I let it annoyingly beep for about 20 minutes. After I got dressed I picked up the phone to see why it was beeping and it rang almost made me toss it across the room it startled me so much. It was Honey. She and I talked about things for a while, the news, NY decision on recognizing gay marriages from out of state, the whale in The Sound. Then just before our phone batteries died she told me what my birthday gift is going to be. I just have to wait for it. That is a month until I can collect, and Honey if you are reading this I will collect.

She is giving me one of the most wonderful things she can. She knows what it is and I know what it is and if you have any imagination you can figure it out.

Hospitals

I am amazed at the things people do to themselves. At the hospital a lot of the patients that I see come in with things that they could have prevented. There is a kid who is going to loose both his legs because he used a dirty needle and then did not seek treatment when the injection sites got infected. The 2 pack a day smoker who goes out of the hospital to smoke and when he comes back inside has to have breathing treatments just so his lungs don't stop working.

There are illnesses, accidents, births, operations that come through. I want out of the medical field but I am scared to leave. I know that the EDs are full of people who should go to their Dr. not the hospital. I know how many empty beds that we have on a given day. I also know that because I am in nursing, that if there were an outbreak or a natural disaster of some sort and my son or I needed treatment we would get it. Only so that I could keep working, to take care of everyone else out there.

I work in a 200 bed hospital, and twice last week we had to shut the doors because we had people in beds on the halls, and not just in the ED. Not good. What if there were a disaster, or an outbreak. We would have to send them away. I know that because we were full that meant the other 3 hospitals in the town were full too. Scary.

Late in life

Today is all about being late. I am running late for work but if I am going to blog more I have to do it in the early morning. The reason being is that I am still in the closet to them. They think that I have no desire to date, that is not true. I wish that Honey and I lived close enough to date.

I was thinking about something I read and how more and more women my age are admitting to themselves that they are either bi or lesbians. I don't know about others but for me it is the fact that I have come to realize that for me to be happy I have to admit who I am and not what people expect me to be.

I got married because that was expected of me, after my divorce I let others think I was more promiscuous than I was. All to look like I were "normal". Well, "normal" did not make me happy. It made me ambivalent. Yes, there are some good looking men out there just as there are some good looking women. None compare to my Honey she is beautiful.

Is this a late awakening in life or is it that I can finally be free to be who I am?

Yesterday

Yesterday was Memorial Day. I know that I should have posted something about it when I got up in the morning, but I could not. I live in a base community and we have flags out in honor of all the people who have lost their lives in this and in past wars. My family on both sides has had someone in every war this country has been in, and even before then. Both sides came over here before the Revolutionary war. I have lost great uncles, cousins, people who I have only heard stories about. My grandfather was in WWII, he lost brothers there. My dad served in peace time. I have cousins serving now.

Today I can think about them. Yesterday it would have been to much to think about. All the activities, sales, camping, and parties for the three day weekend. I want to say thank you all who have served and who still do.

Work

I am like a subcontractor at work. I am employed by a company that sends me out to hospitals to work for the hospital and usually they are on top of my work week. Well, this week there is a problem. I was told that I would be in a clinic for the week starting at 830am. Great, I get to sleep in. Right, wrong. The clinic decided over two weeks ago that they did not need my services and because of that I now get to work on the hospital floor a 6am start. Great, no sleeping in. Right, WRONG. It turns out that the person who schedules me did not change the computer and now they can't call the clinic as they are closed until Tuesday BUT, I still have to work today. It took 4 days for them to get today straightend out. I still don't know what I am to work Tuesday and the office is closed today for the holiday.

Now this in not the average on what happens. They are usually so good at having things worked out, I don't know if someone forgot to change the computer or if there is a whole big mess up. I guess I will find out at later.

Long Distance

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I did not work and so I did a bunch of errands went to the library, farmers market, the mall, and a few other stores. Days like that are when I miss Honey the most. She told me that it had been raining where she lives and that all she wanted to do was light a fire, unfold the hid-a-bed, and lay there with me and watch it rain. I on the other hand wanted her here, to wander about the market with, to shop with and to just spend the day with her.

I knew that when we agreed that we are a couple that having a long distance relationship would be hard. I just did not know how hard. Having said that I would not end this relationship for anything. I love her more than I have ever loved anyone. (Well, that is a bit of an awkward statement, the Boy I love more than I have ever loved anyone, but any parent will know that it is not the same kind of love.)

It is to early for me to start counting the days but having said how hard it is to be in a long distance relationship, we are going to meet up again. This time in Idaho for five days. I get five days with her. To talk to and hold and be with her. I know why Idaho, lets just say that were we are going has special meaning for us. We are also not going alone. Our friend from NJ is going to be there too, and as we have not seen each other in a year this will be a wonderful trip.

Today is the second time that I have been woken up by my upstairs neighbors. I know that they are having sex, it does not sound like making love. Their bed is so loud that it sounds like a washer out of balance. Today and yesterday at 3am. Thud thud thud with an occasional squeak tossed in for variety. So I am going to go back to bed.

Gay Marrage in California

This morning and until I had my lunch break I held my breath. The TV in one of my patients rooms is kept on the news and every time I would go in there I would look to see what story was on. It was not until I went to lunch and was able to get on the Internet that I read the news. I was so thrilled and happy when I went back out on the floor that people kept asking me if I had gotten good news. Good News, Wonderful News. When I move to CA in a few years Honey and I have the option of getting married. No worrying about hospital visits, decisions, legal issues. I know that I live in Washington and that we have rights as partners but not as wife and wife. There is to me a big difference.

What has me so excited about CA judges upholding marriage is that CA is a trend setting state for a lot of things. Laws, what is "cool", even my work is influenced by what CA hospitals are doing. Tonight I will celebrate a victory for love, and commitment. I would love to crash a lesbian wedding and celebrate with them. Share there joy at being happy.

4 to 3. Thank you to those 4 California judges. Thank you very very much.

I did it

I know that to some who have been blogging for a while that getting links added are no big deal but I have added a play list. It was had to choose the music that I like to fit on here. Of course there are some songs not on there. The artists are not popular or the songs are not well known. I tried to add some James Cotton, Charlie Musslewhite but as they are blues only a few songs of theirs are on there, and they are not the best choice.

In June, my Honey and I are getting together for a whole week ok well 5 days. I can't wait, I have plans. We are not going someplace exciting we are just going to a small town in Idaho this trip is to relax and just be together. No meetings, no deadlines except to catch our flights back home.

I am also thinking about going to SF for a weekend. There is a glass artist who is going to have a huge display at the de Young. His name is Dale Chihuly (http://www.chihuly.com/ ) he has some very beautiful glass out there. I will admit that some of it is just plain strange but then he is the artiest and it is his vision not mine. There are some pieces that I would love to see. I will have to see how finances are.

I am also fighting a cold this weekend. I was going to work yesterday but woke up with no energy and a sore throat. Thank the Goddess that today it is nearly gone. Being sick did accomplish one thing I got my bedroom cleaned. I lost the DVD remote and had to find it. Of course it was the only thing under the bed, along with a lost sock, and a newspaper.

Today is Mother's Day wooohoo. Can you hear the sarcasm in that. I don't understand holidays like this, and yes I am a mother. I do have to say that right now the sun is out and that is a wonderful surprise.

Back from the Windy City

Tuesday I left for Chicago and the flight out was ok. I was more excited about seeing my honey then being scared on the plane. I did have a nice smooth flight out and that for me is a great thing as I am not a good one to fly.



I got to the airport and because it was O'Hara the gate where Honeys flight landed changed about 5 times before I got to the right terminal. That is ok because I got in about 30 minutes early just enough time to grab some coffee to help steady my nerves. She flew in with her boss and so we all shared a cab ride over to the hotel. That was a bit awkward as all I wanted to do was touch her.



That is ok once we got into the hotel room there was a lot of touching. She did have to leave and go to the meetings, but we both new that was a part of the deal. I did hate it, but at least she got to come back to me.



On Wednesday we walked to Lake MI as she has never seen any of the great lakes. I love being able to share experiences like that with her. We then went back to the room for more never mind. We also went and saw Wrigley field. I am not a baseball fan and neither is she but it was a neat old building. It is to bad that it is going to be torn down.

Coming back was hard. The flight out was rough lots of turbulence and the seat belt light remained on for most of the flight.

It is not the flight that made it bad coming back home. It is that my Honey and I had to say good by again. I miss her so much, I have an ache that just won't go away when she is not here.

There is good news, we are going to be having a week together at the end of June. A week no meetings, no plans just being together. Then she is talking about December and seeing if we can get tickets to go to and see Cher. I am hoping that these trips will make the time seem shorter until we can actually live together and not have to worry about long good bys.

2 Days

In two days now I am going to see my love again. I don't know why we can't seem to get our timing right but we are both having 'Aunt Flo', visit. I love that antiquated term, it always makes me laugh when I hear it. Aunt Flo, is just one of the many slang terms used for that "time of the month". I am so thankful that when I missed out on the usage of the term "on the Rag." Period is ok, but it reminds me of the end of a sentence. "The curse" sounds like a bad B horror movie. Then there is the "monthly visitor" who stays on for days.

Why is it that something for women that use to be revered and celebrated showing her as a part of the Goddess is now derogatory. It use to not be that way. This was a sign of fertility and from her point of view we should be celebrating this monthly cycle. However, in the male dominated society this is an evil shameful thing. But this is not what I was going to write about.

My lover and I are meeting again in 2 days. I started my visit with Aunt Flo on Saturday, and her Aunt Flo showed up today. How is it that we can live about a thousand miles apart and be on the same cycle? Can you all hear us screaming in frustration, but at least we have other options.

Secret Desire

It is just a about 10 days until I get to see Blue again, and I realize that I am having problems with my thoughts. It is not that I don't want to see her, or that I do not love her anymore. It is how I am thinking of her. She is my girlfriend and I want to think of her as my wife. This is not a new development it is just something that is getting stronger and stronger. I love her and I want to be with her forever. I know that sounds High Schoolish, but right now that is the way that I feel.

I want to tell her that and I know that I gave her the link to this site. I don't know if she reads it or not. We are not the same person and we have our own diffrences. For that I love her, that she loves me for me even when I am in the mood to listen to 99 Dead Baboons or Dirty Deeds Done With Sheep.

Gay bar and Me

This Tuesday I went to my first gay bar. I did not go looking for love or a roll in the hay. I went to see what is was all about and what they had to offer. I went butched up, as I felt more confident that way. Jeans, black t-shirt, white unbuttoned dress shirt, and my leather bomber jacket. I went with a friend I use to work with she went for the Karaoke.

We were carded upon entering and the place looked like a "normal" bar. Stage, dance floor and booze. I was drinking double shots of tequila, H was drinking some fruity thing. We talked and looked around and listened to some good and some bad singers. At about 1am when the place started to empty out a dyke came up to me and we danced to a song. Now I have told Honey all about this so don't worry she knows. The girl was not a bad dancer, however she was so drunk she could hardly talk and she was a smoker. Thank Goddess, it was only one dance. All the spinning was making me dizzy and not from the tequila. H got me something to drink called a cherry bomb. Turns out that had Red Bull in it and after several weeks of High Fructose Corn Syrup free, all that sugar made me ill.

Yes, I know it was the HFCS. I developed shakes, then later that night diarrhea. A Dr. I know said that if you are not use to eating HFCS when you have some again it does give you loose stools. That is good to know if I ever get constipated. Just have a soda and clear it all up.

Just about two weeks until I see Honey again and boy do I have plans for that. No, you can use your own imagination on that.

Boring, the Kid and blood

I really don't have much to say this week. It has been one that is just there. Nothing exciting happened. There was one unusual thing that did take place on Thursday I came home and slept for 12 hours if not more. I was not the only one who was exhausted that night. Honey went to bed early and she never does that. Our friend NJ was exhausted as well. For that to all occur on the same day is strange but I think we all needed the sleep.

Next weeks planes to be a bit more exciting. I am going out to a bar, and it is spring break that week so I get to listen to the boy start whining about being bored on Monday. He is old enough to get a job but I would like him to wait until the summer as all working adults know once you start it is work, work and more work.

He is looking at what he wants to do in the future and I am proud of him for that. I know that he wants an office job and I understand that. I also know that he understands that I am not financially able to send him to a college. So he is looking into apprenticeships in the construction industry so he can earn a descent wage and still attend a college. Go Kid.

I do have one exciting thing to talk about. I did not see it I heard about it. At work yesterday I was in the bowels of hell, I also picked the wrong time to go to lunch. Someone was dropped off at our door. With the jugular artery slit. There was much running about and blood. Why do I miss all the excitement? I do feel bad of the person that this happened to, and I know that they are ok for now. It is not the blood that is exciting it is the learning of how to care for an injury like that. That I missed out on.

Thoughts on a week

During the week I have so many thoughts that I want to post about and then when I finally get a chance to be on the computer I cannot remember most of them. I am sure that some of them are mundane "things" that happen during the work day. I am going to have to start keeping paper with me so I can make notes to myself.

I do know one of the things I want to put on here is about my girlfriend. What I want to write about is one of the reasons that I love her. We have a mutual friend who is not feeling well, and due to the medication that she is taking has gained some weight. My Honey who hates to shop went out and found her some clothes that will fit, and then mailed them off. Not only is she generous but she keeps my head out of the clouds, well most of the time.

I miss her so much. It is hard to have her so far away, I know that right now this is where we both need to be. I can deal with that.

Not about food

My girlfriend who I miss so much was going to come up and see me in about two weeks. I was planing on taking her to some of my favorite places. I do know that not having seen her for so long chances are all she would get to see was what was on the drive from the airport to the hotel and then back.

She is now not coming out here and so our plans have to change. She is being sent to another state for a convention I get to go with her. The thing that is going to disappoint me the most is that she has to be in these meetings. I know it is all a part of life and having a relationship. I do understand that but I want to be selfish and keep her to myself. We have such short time together.

I was talking to a friend of mine about it and if I did not have the commitment that I now have up here. I would pack and move as soon as I could. We talk on the phone every night, but I am lonely for her. I am lonely for her touch, to see her wake in the morning, to tease her, to share my life with her.

I miss you my love.

Sweetness times 3

Just some articles on HFCS, and how it works. To be fair I have listed a site that supports HFCS as well.

http://www.hfcsfacts.com/?gclid=CNPt9vm5kpICFQRaiAodZgzMNg

http://www.sprol.com/?p=236

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/health/2002658491_healthsyrup04.html

Sweetness times two

I have given up High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS), not as an experiment but as a life style change. In doing this for what is now just over a week I have noticed several things, changes, or whatever you want to call them.

The first is change that I have noticed is that I feel better, I am sleeping better, and I have more energy. For me the biggest plus is the sleeping. I have not been a good sleeper at night for a long time and now I am getting at least 6 or more solid hours of sleep a night. This I know has a lot to do with the increase in energy and the feeling better.

I have also noticed that I have a craving, and not for something specific. I don't want chocolate, candy, cake or ice cream. I just want something sweet. That is in its self odd, when I want something it is usually for something specific. So I am wondering if there is some type of withdrawal from the HFCS. I am going to have to do some more looking into this.

I am also looking and searching for good recipes for easy portable snack items. Yes, I know all about fruits and veggies. I do take them with me however, there are times that I want a granola bar, or something along those lines. Things that I cannot find with out HFCS in them I am looking to make and replace them with homemade items. I know that doing this will make me and my family healthier. I do know to that all of this cooking will take time and it will force me to slow down in my life that might be a good thing too.

The other sweetness is that the Governor signed the Domestic Partnership act. What this does is increases the legal benefits of same sex partners. This will cover things like, probate, trust, community property, homestead exemptions, guardianship and powers of attorney. This will also give domestic partners the right NOT to testify against their partner. This expands on the law passed last year that covered hospital visitation, inheritance rights when there is no will, the right to ask for an autopsy and decide on organ donation.

The law also covers ending the partnerships. That is set up much like a divorce, where property, children, debts ext. are considered by the secretary of state IF under 5 years. If the partnership is more than 5 years then the couple would go before superior court.

To count or prove a domestic partnership couples must share a home, be at least 18 and not married or partnered with someone else. All of this goes into effect June 12th.

Oh the Sweetness of it ALL

A trip down diet lane is like walking through a war zone. Everyone has their own opinion on what is to be eaten or not. Do eat bacon, don't eat bacon, only real butter, no only fake butter. Treats of candy no treats at all, meat, no meat. Eat veggies don't eat the (fill in a color) of food here. With all of this going on and what they are finding out about how the body works and what is does with food it should not be so confusing WRONG.

At work I get asked a lot "How fast will I heal?" The answer is very simple I don't know. Why? It is because my body will react to something very differently then yours will. There is no right answer. I think that is the same thing with diet and exercise. I like to lift weights but when I do I end up looking like Popeye. My son who lifts weights just tones up.

With that in mind at least the diet part I have decided to give up one thing. High Fructose Corn Syrup, it is a lot harder then it sounds. That stuff is in everything from canned veggies to BBQ sauce, soda, and well just read a label on something. What makes this hard is finding things that HFCS is not in. It is even in the so called diet items. There is a great article on this in the San Francisco Chronicle (see link). There is also a lot more reading out there on the web about it. One of the things it does is make you want to eat more than you think you should or want to. Anyway, don't believe me read up on it.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/chronicle/archive/2004/02/18/FDGS24VKMH1.DTL

This week vs Today

Last week was bad. I worked in a nursing home where on day shift Ihad 14 people to get up for breakfast. Breakfast starts at 745, I getthere at 600. Talk about alot of stress. I mean how can one person dototal care on 10 people (4 could do much of it by themselves) in anhour and 45 minutes. This all includes, potty, washing up, brushingteeth, combing hair, dressing, any equipment they might need, andfilling portable O2 tanks. It is not possable. To get all of thisdone in under 2 hours leaves alot of care out. Plus in Washingtonstate it it illegal for a CNA to fill to O2 up. However the nurses refuse to do it. So the patients get O2 or not. I am not ever goingback there again.

Some of you know that I have a Honey. Well, the other day we weretalking and I was told I needed to go to the beach to relax. I wouldhave loved to have gone to the ocean but as gas is so HIGH, and Iwould have to be back to get the boy I only went to the state park.Getting out into nature was what I needed Honey was right. This iswhere I went, the picture is not all that great but the park waswonderful. One day I will get a digital camera and get pics that Iwant up here.http://www.parks.wa.gov/parkpage.asp?selectedpark=Tolmie&pageno=1

NOt what I was going to post about

I was going to try and post something about work, my life, lack of sex, and more. However I am at the library sitting next to me is a woman who has so much perfum on that it is making it difficult to breath. I understand that after a while people cannot smell what they put on they become accustom to it. But, she must have used at least half the bottle this morning. WOW!

Now on to the more important things. I now have internet at home, it is only on my brothers computer so bloging from there is still a bit difficult. The library is the best bet. Here with the privacy screens at least no one can read over my shoulder as I type or read up on what is going on in the world (read blogs that I don't want the Boy to see).

Work is work nothing earthshattering there. My life right now is about work, I do know I need to go shopping for a new bra and underwear, as for lack of sex. Not much I can do about that until I can move.

Razors

In December I went to LV with my girlfriend on the trip back the airport security took my toothbrush and my razor. They took the toothbrush because I had take the battery out of it, and who knows why the took my Gillete Sensor for Women.

I liked that razor it had a soft rubbery handle and was wide so that when it got wet it did not get sleppery. So when I find that I need to replace this wonderful tool that I have had for years all I could find was the Venus. So I bought one, and being me I got the one that vibrates. I did not like it at all. The handle when it got wet became almost impossable to hold onto. I know there are some women out there with smaller hands than what I have but for me with at 5foot 9 and having what is called a large bone structure. The small slippery handle just was not working. Also when I did use the vibrating option I got razor burn. So I thought what the hell, and gave it another shot. Nope same thing diffrent leg.

I then went shopping with a friend and found a Schick that had a wide handle, a gippy handle and cost a good deal less then the other razor. Why when something is working and doing well do companies get a bug up their profet and change what is working to something that is not?

Baking

For some reason I am on a muffin baking kick this week. My girl sent me a recipe that looks good for a sweet muffin. Maple Walnut, it uses real maple not the kind that is to sweet and flavored. So when I get home I am going to make up a batch of this kind. The other day I made, blueberry and also a dried cranberry one. Both turned out good. I did like the blueberry better as I used frozen berry's and they do have more juice than dried fruit. But I have to bake with what is available. Next year if I remember to I am going to grab up a bunch of cranberry's and freeze them so if I need any for anything I can have nearly fresh ones.

computers again

This time, I have an hour or so at the library. It is driving me crazy, now I have no Internet access at home. Both computers have died and it will take a while as I have other things to pay for.

The trip to LV was a blast. I did not gamble or see any shows but I did spend one whole day in bed. That is all you need to know about that.

Oh going to days is working out well. I am still worn out on my days off and would just like to sleep in all day. I cannot allow that to happen IF I did I would be up all night again. So I have to make my self get up and go do things.

I am going to start actively looking for a couch now. I am tired of not having any furniture.

Weeks

HI
The past few weeks I have been trying to get off night shift and on to days. It makes for an intersting change. I am sleeping but am still worn out and I know that it will take quite a while to get back into the "normal" lifestyle.

Sunday I am going to LV with my girlfriend I can't wait. We have not seen each other in about 6 months. No, I will not go into detale on what happens on that trip. Whatever happens will, and I am looking forward to that.

K had a Christmas concert on the 10th it was a good one. Not to long and just enought people there to enjoy it.

Getting to the library and getting a computer with working days is a bit harder, so posting might come more speratic. No worries tho when I can get one I will.

Thanksgiving and gifts

For Thanksgiving we went to Portland. It was the usually ball of fun, dinner, laughter, not enough sleep. The day after we went to an outlet mall south of Portland. I did not buy anything, the boy got a hoody and a wallet. I do think that he could have done better on the wallet but it was his choice. In the evening my cuz and I went to Powells. The one downtown, I love that place. When my girlfriend comes up here, I plan on taking her there. All the books, the coffee. I did get off lucky this time I only spent about $45. Not bad when I can spend what Bruce Willis makes on a bad day there and still not have enough money.

My brother hooked me up to his family plan account and got me a new cell phone. I have to drive all over the state and as we are to get snow tonight he did not want me driving the back roads without a phone. He also got one for the Boy for his birthday, and each of us got a bluetooth. It feels strange to have that hooked to my ears but oh well.

Other then not having money right now, and not having any in the for see able future life is not bad. I have a good kid, a woman who loves me what more can I want.

Shadowrun

Last night was a Shadowrun night. I do like to play RPG's they are a lot of fun. The only thing that I don't like about this group is that they seem to be fascinated by lesbians. All of them, even the girl who is a friend of mine. The three guys will talk about it a lot, who is one, who they think is one. It is almost as if they are trying to be cool. The people that I play with are all geeks in one form or another. There are two nurses, the woman H, her husband is going to collage for computers, and then there is the retired military MP. He can be a scary guy. I do think that he wishes he was still in the military.

I don't know how to handle it when they go on and on about jokes. I will admit some of what they say is funny, the other hurts. I know that they are not doing it to be mean, that they are just talking and trying to be cooler than they are. We only meet every other week so that does make it a bit better.

My girlfriend does not play. I think she would like it, but she lives to far away. I hate that, I know that she does to. I also know that for right now there is nothing we can do about it.

Quiet

All has been quiet here. I have been working a lot so that means sleeping as well. I never did get the cleaning done that I wanted to but I did get some done.

Last night I made fudge before going to work and it is going fast. The boys seem to like it, they find it strange that it is made with Velveta. Sounds odd but it does taste good.

A good friend of mine is not feeling well. That always makes me feel angry, sad, and frustrated. I know that what she has will never go away and that this is progressive, and that her "spells" are part of the disease. I do wish that she would communicate to her doctor, BF, and family more honestly. They might be able to help get the "spells" under a bit more control.

Working

I have been working like crazy up in Morton this week. The nice thing about it is that there are some very very slow times so that I have been able to work on my counted cross stitching. I know it is not very exciting but it keeps my mind off of other things like how much I miss my girlfriend.

We are going to LV, and I am both excited and nervous about this trip. I think that is a lot of the the fun, she is teasing me about flying out there. She knows that I do no t like to fly so she is asking me if I want to sit next to her or a stranger. Well, her of course. I mean if I get sick, I want to do it on her shoes not someone who I don't know. I know TMI.

Saturday I have declared it CLEAN THE HOUSE day. It is not that bad but I do have to make a day of it or I will never get the floors mopped.

Computers

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Feelings

This past weekend I have been working on feelings. My girlfriend told me that I have a tendency to internalize and not allow my feelings to be shared and she is right I do. So this weekend I was emailing her about my feelings. It is a good thing that she understands how hard it is for me to talk about what I feel and can accept emails from me. I know that it is not the best way to express myself but I think it is a step in the right direction.

I am glad that in she understands why I internalize and will let me work my way through them before I talk about them. I know that I will get to a point where it will be easier to talk about what I am feeling. It will just take work and she is willing to let me work on this.

Nothing to do

This week I have had nothing to do. Well, not really I could have baked or cleaned the house but was not in the mood for it. I did get a bunch of reading done some intersinting some not so. I am still waiting for Lipstick and Dipsticks book to get to my book store but it might not get there. That means getting it on line. I would rather buy it at a store than online but if I have to get it that way I will.

I have also gotten some cross stitching done. Not enough to start a new project but I am almost done with one I should have finished up months ago. Just me being lazy.

The reason for all of this inactivity is no work. Both my jobs have not needed me at all. Now with the weekend here I hope that changes. I need money.

As for my love. O how much I love my love. I know sappy but true.

The Queen, and the fires

On Saturday, I woke up and thought that everything was normal. I was wrong, my dog had a stroke, I talked to the vet and took her in to see him. She did not come home. Queenie, was about 13 years old. That is a long time for a little cocker spaniel. I will miss her.

I know that I should get another dog soon. I don't want one in an apartment, without a yard it is just to mean to a puppy they need a place to run and play.

As for the California fires, I have family down there that no one has heard from as of yet. I know lines can be down as well as cell towers. So I am not yet to worried. Be safe all down there, and a big hug to the firefighters. They need it.

First Storm

Unfortunately I cannot up load the pictures to here from the computer the library has a system that blocks that. We had a nice little storm Thursday, it took out trees, power lines, and other things. Most of the damage was from falling trees. There was one right near my bedroom that fell onto a carport, if it had fallen at the other angle it would have gone into my bedroom. Yes, I was home when it happened, no I did not hear it. I was sound asleep in bed. I must have been knocked out. The tree was a blue spruce very pretty, now someone has fire wood. Oh well.

I have been working out of town, and that has been ok as my kid has not needed me to get him to school. The thing that is bad about it was that the morning of the storm there were so many accidents on the freeway that it was a parking lot. Well, at least I-5 was I don't know about the others I was not on them. It was not the storm that caused all the accidents, the storm hit after 11am. The accident that caused me the most problem was in Tacoma over the Payallup River. It was a long haul truck. That one I got to go 2 miles in an hour and a half. AND it was the one place there were no exits from the freeway. So by the time I got to an exit I was past the blocked part of the freeway. Oh and the accident was all cleared up by the time I got there. What fun.

Still

Still no computer. It is driving me crazy the good news is I am getting a lot more done at home and more hours in at work. wwwwohhoo that was sarcastic btw.

I went last week to a meeting of pagans and there is talk of setting up classes to help us learn what we don't know and what we want to know. This sounds good to me, there are some things that I cam clueless about. Other I am working on and some that I know already. It was an interesting meeting. I did not talk a lot but that was ok sometimes listening is better. I did find out that I need to get a hematite stone to keep in my pocket so that I don't have as much problems with the energy fields that I now have. If it will save me when I get a new laptop then woohoo I am all for it. I do think that is what happened to my laptop I think I killed the internal processor all by my self. I know that I did not have any virus or other nasty on there.

Last night at work I did a suicide watch, now I was at one point in time many many years ago depressed enough to think about attempting to kill myself. I did get some happy pills and that took care of that. I managed to get off of them when I realized what my triggers were and how to not let things get that bad. This young person might now have all kinds of serious health problems. Thank the Goddess I got the pill, and that I no longer need them.

Cars, Pagans

Sunday, my car did something mean to me. It decided that while I was driving her, she was going to loose a break shoe. Of course it did not fall off on the road, it wedged its self under the other break shoe. That means eekkkk STOP!!!! when I did not want to stop. I was going. The good news was that I was in a parking lot going about 5 mph and not on the freeway where I was heading. I had to have the car towed and that took some cash, then new breaks, then more cash is gone. But I now have my car back.

Pagans, are meeting tonight at the library for a lets so who is out there gathering. I think I am going to go and see what I can learn. It might be intersting.

No, still no computer, I am at the library I did find the one that I want and right now it is under $500.oo the thing is I don't have that what with the car and other normal expences. Oh well. Ta for now

OH Crap

Guess what the inevatable has happened. My laptop has died, it is gone to that hell that only computers can go to. I now have limited access to the internet by others computers or the library. They both suck. I did go today and find a sweet laptop that I would love to have but the thing is as much as my rent. I had better get off my rear and start working more hours to get things paid for. Sometimes life sucks. Now on the personal side of things they are going ok. It is great having someone love me for me, and not because they think I am someone else.

There is a new nurse at work who I can't stand. She came in all ready to change things and not bothering to find out what is working and what is not working. That is the pits it makes wanting to go into work most difficult. I have cut my hours to only noc's so that I don't have to deal with her. Now the company also highered her partner to work the same schedule that she does. This I think is a mistake. How can one be objective at work when they are angry or have other feelings for the person working with them. It does have a tendancy to get a bit stressed in there.

I have just about 40 more min here and want to get some emails checked. Peace out

Gay Marriage

Hi all.
There is a debate going on where I work about gay marriage and if it will be made legal here in the state that I live in. I think that it soon will be I don't see where the state is going to have an option in the matter.

Here is why I think that and what has happened to lead me to believe that. The state government has given domestic partners insurance rights. For example: Mary lives with Sally and they have been living together for years, they have a joint bank account set up to cover house hold costs. Mary works for the state under this policy Sally can get on her health insurance at work.

What is now happening is that private companies are following the states lead. This is including the company that I work for. This is a big surprise as I work for a company that is owned by the Catholic church. Now here is why I think that the marriage will pass soon, and it is the only way I can see this working.

Example; Ann is looking for a roommate, her job does not pay well however it has great insurance. Tracy apples for the roommate spot, she has a well paying job but the insurance is not the best. After being roommates for a year, Ann and Tracy talk about insurance and how it has changed. With the domestic partnership Ann can put Tracy on her coverage for less money than what Tracy is paying now. They agree that Tracy will pay Ann the cash to cover her loss in pay and put Tracy on her policy. A few years pass and Tracy is getting married, Ann fills out the paperwork takes her off the policy. No fuss.

Now, if the marriage law were to pass it would make this a lot harder to get into and out of as there would have to be legal proff of marriage to get on the insurance company policy's. I do see insurance becoming a strong advocate for gay marriage as word of this gets out. We, all know that money talks and the company's do not want to loose this money.

Lies, sex, love and religion

Ok lies. Lies we all know are every where, I have been lieing to myself in a big way, I recently had to go through personal hell and back to realize that. What, was my hell? I got piss drunk on Bourbon and tequila made a fool of myself, admitted at least to me my lie. Then spent the rest of the week in misery. I am better about what is happening now, I still want to shout to the world but know that I yet cannot.

Sex, I am not getting any. Why? I do not have the makeup to go out there and just find someone for a night of fun. I think that I am to much of a romantic for that. It is not the idea of the wine and dine it is the whole commitment thing. For me part of the turn on is commitment. Is that nuts or what?

Love, I am so in love. The thing that sucks about this is that right now it is a long distance relationship. I did not think that it would work out. The answer to the question at first was no. Then a few months later it was yes. I don't know what changed but I am so glad that it did.

Religion, what the hell. I believe in God, and Goddess. I cannot see God as an all "YOU ARE GOING TO HELL FOR THAT" deity. Do I feel dammed for being me? No not at all, I just feel bad for the people who don't get that.

Long time no Blog

It has been over a month and I have been trying to be a better blogger. However on April 30th my family had to deal with something that we did not see coming. My mom passed away. A doctor who was consulting on her case is looking into her death, he thinks that her primary was negligent. That could take a while with going thought the files so we have to wait.

She died of an infection that she should have been able to fight off with antibiotics. I think that this is all can write about now.

Money Money Money

The state has a surplus of money this year to spend so as they haggle and talk over what is going to be done with this money there are many groups and organizations fighting over it, how to spend it what to spend it on. Much of the state is in need of road and new drainage work. The main city here wants much of the money to be spent on a new basketball stadium for the Sonics. I have never been to the old stadium I doubt that I will go to the new one.

This spending money on a private organization that a majority of the people will never use is in my opinion not a very good idea. The state is also being petitioned by a group that is asking that part of the money be spent on elderly care. This is what I care about this is where I work. I go to long term care places to work and many of them are not up to the standard that most people would put their pet in. I know of places that are loosing money so much to the point that the staff has not had a raise in many year. That the daily food allotment for each person there is $2.49 a day. Can you feed your self 3 meals a day plus a snack if you are diabetic on under $2.50 a day. I know that I can't. Much of the equipment is so old that it costs more in repairs than to buy a new one. However, buying a new bed or lifting machine will take money way from the other needs. It is like in our world of the US. the elderly are forgotten. Lost, not cared for.

Now I will admit that not all places are like this. There are places that have the money, and the staff that cares for the patient. Those are usually nonprofit or are private pay where a semi-private room costs into the thousands a month. Not, many can afford that. So what should we spend the millions on that are hanging about. A building for a basketball team, that already has one that they don't want because it is old. Or, on the elderly.

Arrrgggghhhhh

That title does not make me feel the least bit better. Do you want to know why? Well, probably not but I am going to get it off my chest anyway. At work we had one person doing the staff rotation. Now we have 2 and they are not talking to each other. So I get to work on Friday to and I am to be on two halls at the same time. Now, one person finds this amusing and the other is a pissed off about it as I am. Then last week they have me marked down as a no call no show. I was at my other job in Longview, I knew that I was working there, they knew or I told them that I was not going to be in town that day. So how am I to be in the two different towns at the same time. Working in heath care sucks.

The Sad

I am saddened by what happened at Virginia Tech. Death, unexpected death is never something that is easy to handle. Even for those who see death on a daily basis it is not easy. My heart and energy goes out to those who are effected by this. I am not one to ask who is to blame, I do not blame the government, the gun manufacturer, the school, or the man's parents. I am one who believes is that soon to be extinct now on the endangered species list. That is Personal Responsibility. There are some exceptions to this thing called Personal Responsibility. I know that the ALL GREAT AND POWERFUL news is saying that the man had some mental health issues, that may be true. It maybe that he gave into the pressure, the anger or whatever it was that was tormenting him. I for one who has gone through a server depression fell sorry for him. I know that he felt alone, misunderstood, angered and very unwell. This is just a tragic event that someone, somewhere will take and run with it to further their own gains. They will just not let the families, friends, loved ones and yes the pets mourn. They want to see the suffering to get others behind them on whatever it is that they think they can best squeeze out of this. That to is sad.

Not Cancer

For those of you who find yourself reading this lolly blog. My mom does not have cancer. It took nine days in the hospital, a collapsed lung, and a biopsy to find out that she has Valley Fever. So 8 months to a year on some pills and a little help with her malabsorption she will be healthy again. For those of you who don't know what Valley Fever is go and look it up. We are teasing her about the 'shrooms in her lungs. The doc did say that they are not special 'shrooms.

Work and more work

Work that is what I do to get paid. I work anywhere form 4 to 16 hours a day. With mom in a funk about having cancer and not wanting support from anyone other than her kids it gets to be a bit stifling. I leave work to come to work where I don't get paid.

Mom wants me to wait on her hand and foot. Like I don't get enough of that at the nursing home and the hospitals. I feel like I don't have a home anymore. Just 2 nursing homes that I go between.

Death it is

Well, the results are in. Mom does have cancer it is in 3 places and has metastasized ( I know I spelled it wrong). So now she is laying on the couch getting us to wait on her hand and foot. Like I don't do this enough at work. I am going to start working 6 days a week or even pull doubles so I don't have to deal with this crap. That sounds bad but I did not get into heath care to take care of my family I got into it to take care of others. This is pissing me off royally.

The Boy wants to have a friend over on Monday as it is the last day of finals. Mom is bitching about that. Well, this is not her fvcking house. I pay rent, power and buy the food. My bills have all doubled sense she moved in. Not only that but I have gotten behind on paying things that were not behind before June. I know I am bitching about things. But it needs to be done, it helps me keep my sanity.

Life and Near Death

Mom went to the doc on Tuesday of last week for a check up. During the check up they took X-rays, on the X-ray the doc found a spot on her lungs. So this Tuesday she went and had a CAT scan for a better look. Mom thinks that she has cancer and is going to die. She goes to see what the results are today.

Sense last week mom has been moping about, lying around on the couch and not doing much else. It is like she has decided to die even with out hearing the results. There might not be anything wrong with her, it might have been just a mess up in the development process. Then again it might not be. Mom has been a 4 pack a day smoker for over 30 years. We won't find anything out for a few more hours. So I am going to watch a movie and do some cross stitch.

Borrowed from it Comes in Pints

I have a BIG FUCK OFF and I need to get it out. SO FUCK OFF HEATH CARE SYSTEM... I work in heath care nursing actualy and I cannot get heath insurnce, weekends off or holidays. So fuck off to all the people who hear what I do and think I have it made. Fuck Off to patients who dont listen then reinjure themseves and blame us. FUCK OFF to call lights, to idots who dont understand that pills do not cure all. FUCK OFF to doctors who get medical for free, when the nurses who do most of the work cant get shit. Fuck off the the patients who think they are the only sick people in the hospital- nursinghome. Fuck off to people who dont understand why sometimes I have to work nights. I would love to close the hospitals down at 5pm and let all the drunks who drive and hit trees lay there until they reopen at 9am. DONT THINK THAT WILL WORK.. FUCK OFF to the state government who makes it so that we have no recurse when a patent comes at us with weapons yet when we put up our hands to protect ourselves we get charged with assult. . . There is alot more I want to say but I have to get in bed to get to work.

Here is the link to It comes in Pints http://www.secondbreakfast.net/

Dont have one for today

Well, I have been out of blogging for a while. I took a week and spent a few days in Los Vegas and had a blast. My girlfriends and I meet at the airport we all arrived within 30 min of each other and left the same way too. So that none of us had to be alone for long. Oh it was a fun trip. The one and only downer about is was that Bluelady had to be in meetings all day. So she was only able to come with us in the evenings. But what fun we had in the evenings. We say Phantom of the Opera, the lions at the MGM being fed, and saw some drunk women in a bar dance. NO they were not us. There was so much to See and to do I wish that we could have had more time there, more to do, to talk about, to share. I miss Blue and Windy. It was a great trip.

Life is The Blues

I am watching Blues Brothers 2000 and I know that it is not the one that most people like But I love the Gator Boys at the end. I am not sure but I think that is Charlie Musslewhite playing the harp. I did not see him but it sounded like him. OK so I happen to love blues and blues harp is the best. It is fun to play too.

But that is not what this heading was to have been about. My brother has put in notice for his job, he has not gotten a raise in over a year and the boss hates him. I can understand why he wants to quit but he is staying with me. I don't want to end up supporting him. That might happen if he does not find a job soon.

Halloween and possably getting fired

My work is having a Halloween costume contest. Now for those of you who don't know I work in long term care and rehap for physical thearpy. So I am going to make myself into an old lady and become a patient. I am going to get latex face makeup and add wrinkels, some bruses so that it looks like I fell and landed on my face. Some bandages in places, and borrow a wheelechair. I am alos going to make my hair white. It ought to be fun and if I get fired so what it is not like I have another job well I do have another job.

I think that this will be the best costume ever. I mean being an old lady in an nursing home. That will be cool.

Ch ch ch anges

My best friend has moved from her home to a new state and for her I am glad. For me not so much so. It is not that she has moved away from me she lives on the East Coast and I live on the West. What it is, is that she will not have a phone for about two weeks. I call her every morning and we talk at least twice a day. We are going to be suffering here at least until the phone gets turned on.

Another change that is coming up I might in January be going back to school. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. It has been a while sence I have been in school so I have to start over with the prereqs. That will not be fun but it is understandable. The one thing that I will have a problem with is if I go into nursing. This state requires that you take a CNA class, I have been one for 20 years, and they wont let us test out of it. That to me is a waste of money and time, both mine and the teachers.

Passwords and computers

I have not been able to post in a long time. First my computer recived a virus, nice right? Well, not really by the time I got it fixed it was to late to post my post on September 11th. Not only that but because I have not been able to log on in forever, I forgot my password, not just for here but for other things that I have on here. One day I will be smart enough to make and keep a list of what password goes with what link/site/program.

I have had to reload everything from programs to drivers. I dont know how I got them or if someone gave them to me.

Resignation

Well, they did it starting on the 6th of August the hours are being cut at MJ. Not only that but they have made us all reapply for our jobs. They are taking away the set days that we now work and putting us all on 4 on 2 off. Now for those who are single parents out there it is quite difficult to have a kid or more than one kid and only one weekend off every six weeks. So I had to go on call, I will give up my benifits to be able to work when I need to and yet have the time off to spend it with my kid. So I am now looking for a job that will take me off nights, I have been working them for 3 years. It is time to get back on where I have a life. I know this is short but it is late and I need to get the kid in bed and I need to get in bed too.

ANGRY

I am really teed off. Mjs is trying to fire us all and we are waiting for the union to see what they can and cannot do. Our contract states that we have an 8 1/2 hour day getting paid for 8. They want to take us to a 8 hour day paid for 7 1/2. That is against the contract. They are also trying to put us on a 4 on 2 off work day. That means that we are getting one weekend off every 6 weeks. I have put in my time and will not work weekend again unless I want to. They are also trying to take away the weekend bonus.

I know they are trying to run underbudget but that is not going to happen by doing this to the CNAs. They need to look at the nursres. The ones that work evening shift are there for hours after the shift ends saying that they are charting. What they do is the chat and tell jokes on the clock until 3 am. That is racking up big overtime money. So we are waiting to see what the union Lawyer says on this one.

We have to reapply to our jobs not even sure that we will have the same shift that we now have. And that wonderful paper is due in on the 30 of this month. We found out all about this on the 23 they gave us alot of notice. If we dont have this in on the 30th it is concidered a voulintary resignation.

What do you think about this.

This has my sister very angry. I do agree that if you expect a kid to do something they will do it.

"I would like to see it that if you don't have your HPV vaccine, you can't start high school," said Juan Carlos Felix of the University of Southern California in Los Angeles, who leads the National Cervical Cancer Coalition's medical advisory panel."

Read the whole artical here. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/10/30/AR2005103000747.html

I understand about wanting to protect people from getting cancer but I would think that not having sex would be the way to go. Who knows what they long term effects are going to be. Sure they might have found a cure that works now, but what are the long term effects.

After Death and Double Shifts

At Mj's a patient recently died. She had no family who came down to see her and she died alone. When her obit was printed it was all about the company that she worked for. It was started for by the grandfater, then the father and now the son. She had worked for all of them, never taking a sick day, never taking a vacation. I find that sad that her job was her life.

I worked a double shift several miles from my home. The drive was the best part of the experance. I started out on one wing and worked all of them. The care at this place was not the best. One of the regular staff that I worked with did not do cath or peri care at all. The place smelled like an outhouse. I will go back if asked because the money is good, and I think the people there deserve good care. I managed to get someone to eat who normaly does not eat. I spent time with her so that she was not fed at the speed that military men eat.

I know there are worse places than MJ to work. At MJ my complant is not the care but how the staff is being treated. There is a great big diffrence in that.

Neglect

Working in long term care you have things that you must do that not only makes your job easier but it also makes the job of the person following you easier.

Right now we have a wing that is got a lot of full care people on it. These people cannot get out of bed for whatever reason. So they have catheters, and bedpans. Some are incontent. Now when you get to the end of the shift you are to have the catheters empty, the trash picked up, and things just generaly neat.

Last night was not the case. There were people not in bed but on top of them, soaked with poo and pee. This reflects on all shifs as neglect. It is not fun going into a room and a patient that should be clean and finding dryed poop on them. That is not good care.

Also when asked about someone that you should have taken care of for the past 8 hours if they can walk you should know the answer. Not say "I guess they can they have been charting that she does". Not good.

Happy F(*&ing Birthday

Today is my birthday and I have gotten flowers dielivered to me for the first time ever. I also got a Tshirt and a cd. But that is not what I want to talk about. In the mail today I recived 2 items from my work. One was a birthday card with a ticket for a free meal to be eaten on my shift only good through the month of June. Can anyone guess what is wrong with this? I work graveyard shift, the KITCHEN IS CLOSED!!! So I have a useless meal ticket.

The second was a Dear Employee letter stating that they are cutting our hours from a full 8 to 7 1/2. So they have cut my pay on my birthday. That acctualy does not come into effect until the 11th but still that sucks. They think that we are going to be able to give the same amount of care to each person. That is bull. That half hour overlap was to get and give report on the patients. How can we know who or what we have to deal with if we are no longer getting report. That is lack od communication and that is very dangerous.

Good news Bad News

I have been back to work, both at MJ and at hospital. I do have to say I like hospital much better than long term care. Why? Let me start a list.

Hospital Long Term Care (old age home)
faster pase stabilty
staffing meets patients needs Staffing meets state requirements
nurses help with patients Nurses do paperwork
responce time is faster to call light not enough people to answer call light
change is a constant things stay much the same.

Hmmmmmmm maybe I should work full time in hospital.